Hi Readers, it’s been a long time since I’ve written here, not because I’ve run out of thoughts about mothering, but because my husband and I have started a new chapter in our life. We’ve started our own little law firm out here in the wine country – Piasta Valluzzo Law Group LLP. And, of course we have a blog, but it’s more related to legal issues. Thank you for reading.
Up above me sits my modest collection of parenting books which are nestled next to my books about California civil procedure (i.e. litigation). Both basically deal with the same thing – how to address challenging moves. When I glance above at the books I have a new perspective. I’m not sure why, but maybe it’s the five years of mommy hood, observing trials and tribulations with my own boys and those of my friends. The reason doesn’t matter – but here is the thing. All parenting books are basically the same.
Just think about it. Using the books on my shelf as an example there is the book on positive discipline, touchpoints on emotional development, and healthy sleep happy child. Each of these books have one thing in common. They tout one particular theory and give examples of how to implement it.
These examples seem good in theory. For example, calmly telling the escaping toddler to come back and using positive reinforcement to encourage results. But what happens when the toddler is running towards oncoming traffic? Will calmness work then? Not for me.
Then what are these books? I think they are ideals. They set forth paradigms to think about parenting, strategies for dealing with different behaviors. This has to be checked against the reality that no single theory will work all the time, nor should it. We are complex beings.
Even typing this makes me question my thought – as these are the books professed by experts to raise happy and healthy kids. Like there is some sort of recipe – 50 positive affirmations + 0 timeouts = happy child. But there is no recipe for successful parenting as each child is different.
We live in a culture where everyone has an answer to something. Hell, even before our children are born, we read books that tell us what to expect. They give detailed pictures, diagrams, charts (ya da ya da), to try and explain the unexplainable.
When I first read those books, I did gain some sort of comfort. But now looking back, I wonder what they really added. Those precious hours spent studying different books, parenting philosophies and even educational philosophies, could have been spent just enjoying the then present moment of pregnancy.
This outward direction ensues beyond pregnancy and into parenting. Maybe it’s technology, the internet or fear of duplicating the mistakes of our own parents. Everything directs parents outside of themselves to seek external answers – in books, on the internet or experts.
I’m not saying that all expert opinions are bad as I have gotten wonderful advice from behavioralists and professionals. What I am saying is that we ourselves are our own experts. And sometimes our instincts provide answers. Take the birth of my second son for example. The nurse nearly sent me home 45 minutes before he was born. She was convinced I wasn’t in labor. If that was the case, then I guess C’s labor was some sort of record.
Sure birth and parenting are two different things, but both give reason to trust ourselves. We know what’s best for our kids. On an instinctual level we can read their smiles and body language. Sometimes we can understand what they are experiencing without them saying it. And this connection is so so important.
For me, I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I know what’s best for my boys. And if it is questioned, then after fully exploring the rationale for it, then I always reconnect with my instinct. After all it is about doing what’s best for them, and sometimes the answer to that is within us.
So at least for me the next time that I feel the need to reach above to my shelf of parenting books, I am going to step back and try to find the inner answer. Maybe yoga, meditation or a walk. And then if after that I still feel the need to consult the written word, then I’ll peruse the book, but knowing that no book has all the answers and that sometimes the best answer lies within.
Recently B has hit a remarkable stage. He is all about telling elaborate stories, building things and causing havoc. It occurred to me that there had to be a way to direct his interests into a way to build confidence.
so we’ve been taking the interests one at a time. One day he started talking about building a tree-house in the backyard. So, he scouted out the perfect tree. Then, I had him draw a plan for it. The plans weren’t complete until he finished drawing the crocodile slide. Rolled up and secured with rubber bands, the plans became his treasure. His great uncle came to visit who also happens to be an architect. And, Uncle P was all ears at hearing about B’s concept. His other Great Uncle, a contractor, chimed in as well.
This experience just made me think about the positive effects of redirecting the boy energy. Not to mention the importance of mentors. Thank you Uncle P and Uncle T for encouraging B to think big.
For me, this was a major experience in letting go. Until now, other than his preschool teachers, either myself of my husband have been teaching him about the world. But we’ve come to a crossroad where it is time to let him gain learning from others. It’s a humbling thing to have your child want to learn something that you don’t know. Hockey – ya right. I can hardly skate straight, taekwondo, again another potentially lifelong goal but not at present. Allowing other adult figures to step in to teach things that are beyond me has been eye opening in many ways. Humbling yet empowering, as I know B is growing from his expanded exposure.
As for redirecting the boy energy into positive experiences, in addition to hockey we’ve tried ninja school. B has been talking about ninja school for months. We visited and watched awhile ago and he has kept talking about it. So, I thought why not let him try.
Reluctant at first, he clung close and absorbed the scene. For me it was a parenting dilemma – to push or not to push. After driving a half hour to get there and the days of anticipation, was expecting him to participate asking too much? Clearly he was cautious and unsure about the experience. and, I was getting frustrated at his hesitation.
As he sat on my lap, I thought about how comfortable he is in his little nest and the idea of eagle parenting. Encouraging but making the nest a little less comfortable to make young explore outside. But deciding to honor him and his interests, I held back and gently encouraged him. So playfully I made a little earthquake with my legs, which made B stand up. A baby step closer to participating. That coupled with the gentle encouragement by the teacher, made B eventually join the ranks.
But he wasn’t sold until he was told to hit hard. Then you should have seen him hit the red bag. Smiling, laughing, not to mention expending all that energy in a positive way. Yay! And he left asking if he could go back tomorrow. Success.
So begins a new chapter in parenting and in B’s development. Luckily C is waiting in the pits ready for his turn.
Wishing you a fabulous day with your little valentines, which hopefully includes copious amounts of chocolate
Yesterday I met two amazing ladies who have applied their expertise in photography to help kids. It’s not everyday that you meet someone who does this.
They use photography as a medium to drive awareness about social issues, raise funds to help those issues, and potentially resolve those issues. Isn’t that just inspiring? I’m just saying – thank you PictureWorldHope and KH8Seconds for all you do.
Readers really – just checkout the photos at Picture World Hope’s website. Those shots just say it all.
What’s more kid friendly than a cooking project that doubles as dinner? In my book, nothing. Tonight we had pretzel dogs with coconut squash soup. The mix of the sweet soup with the salty dog was divine enough to keep my taste buds happy while also providing that added mix of comfort. Comfort food – yay!
Creating this perfectly simple dinner is even more fun when you hit rewind. It all started with making the pretzel dough. (Sorry friends, yes, I am still obsessing about pretzels). B and CJ were involved from this point on. The ingredients are few and simple. The process provides short bursts at a time that are perfect for the attention span of my active brutes.
There is activating the yeast. Pouring, stirring and waiting for bubbles. Each part captivating for young chefs. Next there is creating the dough. Followed by kneading. Then, letting the dough rise. Followed by shaping. If your lil ones are playdough junkies, then they’ll love this. Why not make a pretzel in the shape of their favorite animal or superhero?
Frankly B’s favorite part was shaping the pretzels; whereas CJ’s was tasting everything. Ahh yes, I’m proud to say he gets it from me.
While you are letting the dough rise, throw a pumpkin, preferably kabocha or a butternut squash in the oven and let it cook. You can later use the baked pumpkin or squash to create a yummy soup.
Want to try it out? Here’s my adaptation of the Pretzel bite recipe. Thank you Epicurious for getting me started on this!
- 1 cup warm water (100° to 110°F)
- 2 tablespoons active dry yeast
- 3 cups flour
- 1 tablespoon coarse kosher salt
- 2 tablespoons light brown sugar
- 1/2 stick unsalted butter melted
- oil for bowl
- Will make 6 bun length hot dogs or 8 shorter ones
- 8 cups water
- 1/2 cup baking soda
- kosher salt
- 1 kobacha pumpkin or butternut squash
- 1 can of light coconut milk
Making the Dough